


Take It Out On Me

by ennta



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Coming Out, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2018-06-19
Packaged: 2019-05-25 08:35:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14973305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ennta/pseuds/ennta
Summary: It's Pride month, and Renly wants to be out. He really does.





	Take It Out On Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [12snails](https://archiveofourown.org/users/12snails/gifts).



  
  


> _ So I took you to the city for the night _ __  
>  _ To dance under dizzy silver lights _ _  
>  _ _ But for a moment, you were wild _ _  
>  _ __ With abandon like a child, just a moment
> 
> _Broad Shouldered Beasts_ //  Mumford & Sons

  
  


It was raining when Renly and Loras made it down to their Uber, and the thrill of apprehension in Renly's stomach swelled as their driver confirmed their destination: the Sun and Spear, a gay bar in one of the trendier areas of King's Landing, several miles -- and an entire world -- away from the bars Renly preferred to frequent after finals. He wouldn't miss playing wingman for Guyard, but he wasn't particularly looking forward to the evening. Yes, he was gay -- he was, in fact, dating a man -- but this felt like a fairly significant step out of the shadow of a closet he was only partially out of.

Loras squeezed his hand as their driver pulled out onto the street, and one look at Loras's face, lit partially by street lights and shining with excitement, made Renly feel as though something inside him was melting. He always felt that way when he looked at Loras, but tonight he let the feeling wash over him, let it remind him that what they had was right and good and nothing to be ashamed of. 

"You'll love it, Renly," Loras assured him, his fingers fidgeting and lacing around and through Renly's, tugging and squeezing absentmindedly. Renly loved that, the way Loras used his hand as a stress ball; it was comforting, it was grounding, it was something Renly didn't think Loras even realized he did. It was also something that rarely happened outside of their respective apartments, and Renly took a breath to remind himself that their Uber driver couldn't see, and even if she did, she would hardly care; and besides, they were going to a gay bar, so she already knew more about Renly than most of his friends and family.

"It'll be good for you," Loras was saying. "You can breathe here. Be  _ you _ here." He grinned at Renly. "Get hammered here."

Renly laughed nervously. "I want a drink in my hand as soon as I walk in," he said, only half-joking. When it came to suppressing anxiety about his sexuality, alcohol hadn't let him down yet. "But -- no posting pictures on Facebook or Instagram, right?"

Loras's eyes went to his lap and he nodded, a little tersely. "No proof, got it." 

"You can still take pictures," Renly said, a pleading note in his voice. In fact, he wanted Loras to take pictures, lots of them: pictures of them dancing and smiling and kissing, all in public. He just didn't want his brothers to see them. Or Guyard. And not Brienne, come to think of it, because he was going to tell her, and soon, and she didn't need to find out through social media.

"So why do your friends think you hang out with me?" Loras asked, looking out the window as though the passing streetlights fascinated him.

It was a rhetorical question, one Renly had heard many times, so Renly just sighed and held onto Loras's hand when he tried to pull it away.

"You should really have a finnsta," Loras finally said, shooting Renly an imperious look tempered by just enough mischief to let Renly know that Loras wasn't mad, not really. "It's a fake Instagram," he clarified before Renly could ask. "A secret account that your friends and family can't find."

Renly thought that over for a minute. "You can set one up for me when we get home," he promised. "And we'll post nauseating pictures with captions about what a great couple we are."

"Hashtag blessed to have this wonderful man in my life," Loras teased, pretending to swoon. "Hashtag gay. Hashtag instagay. Hashtag daddy. Hashtag couple goals. Hashtag pride."

Renly rolled his eyes and tugged Loras against his side. "Look, I have to use a million hashtags so people can find my posts. It's the algorithm--"

Loras threw his head back against the seat and laughed. "I can't believe your friends think you're straight. Do straight men have carefully curated Instagram pages? Do straight men know what an 'aesthetic' is? Do straight men spend ten minutes trying to angle their Starbucks order 'just right' because it's 'the golden hour'?"

"Well, no," Renly admitted. "But speaking of aesthetic, I'm thinking of going for, like, a vaporwave pastel vibe for my summer posts." He grinned when Loras rolled his eyes and pulled away. "Or maybe a grainy nineties a-serial-killer-shot-this-on-a-camcorder vibe? It's working for Kim Kardashian."

"That's it, we have to find a gayer bar," Loras groaned. He sat up straight as the Uber slowed, rolling past the bar and the cars crowded along the curb. Renly's stomach tightened again as he caught sight of the bar through the rain-slicked windows: a fairly drab windowless building, the sign over the narrow entrance emblazoned with an image of a spear piercing a golden sun. 

"You can just let us out here," Loras told the Uber driver, and then Renly was climbing out into the rain, blinking into the night as Loras pulled him forward. Up close, Renly could see that the door was covered in stickers; some advertised local bands, some advertised local drag queens, but most were simply rainbows, and Renly had a sudden uncomfortable flashback to his sister-in-law Selyse bemoaning the gay community's appropriation of a biblical symbol.  

Loras led Renly through the door, and Renly's head spun as he showed the bartender his driver's license. The bars he and Guyard frequented had pool tables and hosted beer pong tournaments, but here the music was loud and the strobing lights were too bright and not bright enough. Loras tugged Renly to the bar and ordered shots of tequila for both of them; Renly downed his and didn't even bother sucking on the lime he'd been given before waving to the bartender for another. He didn't usually drink anything that required two steps, one of which involved citrus.

Renly had just downed his second shot when a group of people surrounded Loras at the bar, greeting him loudly and calling for a round of drinks. 

"Is this the boyfriend?" A drag queen, easily seven feet tall in stilettos, peered skeptically at Renly as she handed a card over to the bartender. "You're right, he's taller than your usuals."

Renly fought a wave of jealousy at the thought of Loras with any "usuals". He accepted an electric blue cocktail thrust into his hand and took a sip.

"Yeah, that's him," Loras was beaming in the dim light. "This is Renly Baratheon. Renly, this is Damon--excuse me, this is Danaerass Targaryen."

Renly laughed, his apprehension dissipating as the alcohol raced through his bloodstream. He sipped his cocktail as quickly as he could, wondering if it would be considered gauche to forgo the straw completely and toss the drink back like a shot. The more inebriated he was, the more comfortable he would feel.

Drink in hand, he followed Loras and his friends through a narrow corridor, surprised when it led outside to a dance floor and bar sheltered from the rain by a large awning. There weren't many people on the dance floor, and Renly stood quietly, observing as he finished his drink. Loras stood at his side, their arms pressed together as he talked and laughed with his friends; he was in his element, his curls shining under the rainbow-colored string lights, and Renly was suddenly giddy with the knowledge that, if he wanted to, he could lean down and kiss Loras, right here, in front of all these people--

"Does anyone else want another drink?" Renly called instead, gesturing at his empty glass.

"Another one? Already?" Loras laughed. His own glass was still half-full, as were the glasses of his friends. 

Renly shrugged self-deprecatingly and shouldered his way to the bar. After two shots of very expensive vodka, he felt even better; he looked over his shoulder, warmth funneling through him at the sight of so many people being so unapologetically, enthusiastically themselves. He was one of them, and, like him, they had left whatever worries they had at the door.

"How's the internalized homophobia treating you?" Loras sidled up next to Renly at the bar, leaning up to stage-whisper into Renly's ear. His breath was warm on Renly's neck, and Renly slid his arm around Loras and tugged him close. 

"It's not so bad," Renly said, experimentally placing a kiss on the top of Loras's head. He could do that here; he could do that with the crisp smell of rain suffusing the air around them, with these soft lights illuminating them, with laughter and Carly Rae Jepsen as a soundtrack. And when Loras beamed up at him, Renly forgot why he had been dreading this.

The night blurred around Renly, taking on a dream-like ambience as Loras coaxed him into dancing. He forgot that he didn't dance, because no one around him seemed to notice or care. Loras moved well enough for the both of them, his hands on the back of Renly's neck, his body sinuous and perfectly in sync with the rhythm. Renly's world narrowed until Loras was all he saw, Loras's sweat and cologne all he could smell, and he leaned down to steal a kiss that lasted longer than he meant it to. The song ended and Loras pulled away, his eyes bright and shining.

"Do you want to take those pictures now?" Loras called over the music, pulling out his iPhone. And then he and his friends were passing phones around, and Renly was laughing as he posed for selfies and ridiculous group shots too poorly lit for any Instagram feed. 

Closing time snuck up faster than Renly would have liked, but when Loras's friends invited them back to Danaerass Targaryen's apartment for an after party, Renly remembered the suggestive press of Loras's body against his and realized that he very much wanted to get back to Loras's place. Keeping his hands off Loras in the Uber proved to be impossibly difficult, and only a niggling feeling that no one--gay or straight--should fuck in an Uber kept him in check.

Once they were inside, Renly pressed Loras up against the door and caught his mouth in an urgent, sloppy kiss, one Loras returned with the same drunken fervor, his hands tangling in Renly's hair as Renly's hands slid down to cup Loras's ass. Gods, Loras tasted sweet; there was fruit and the sting of vodka on his breath, and his body arched into Renly's, his hips rising to tease Renly.

But Renly wasn’t interested in teasing. He was interested in getting Loras into the bedroom without breaking their kiss, and they fumbled, mouths open and searching and reconnecting in the dark until Renly could throw Loras down on the bed and crawl on top of him. Panting, Renly propped himself up on his elbows and went in for a deeper kiss, licking into Loras’s mouth, wondering just how deep his tongue could get. Loras's hands were on Renly's fly, trying to get him out of his jeans, and when Renly pulled away to hastily tug them off, his phone began to ring as it slid out of his pocket and onto the hardwood floor. He ignored it, too intent on pulling Loras's clothes off as quickly as possible. It was only when Loras got stuck with his shirt over his head and the phone started up again that Renly had the presence of mind to wonder who was calling; he glanced down at the floor where his phone glared balefully up at him, and his blood froze at the name on the caller ID.

Stannis.

Fuck.

"Ignore it," Loras pleaded, naked now, tugging Renly back on top of him. "Don't care who it is, ignore it," Loras repeated, wrapping his legs around Renly's waist, lavishing wet kisses up and down Renly's neck. 

So Renly did; he buried his face in Loras's shoulder as they pressed against each other, his breath coming in hitching shudders. But as soon as the phone stopped ringing, it would immediately start up again, and the mere idea of Stannis was enough to pull Renly out of his drunken haze.

"Put it on silent," Loras ordered when Renly pulled away and stumbled off the bed. "For the sake of the gods, put that fucking thing on silent."

But Renly answered it instead.

"What do you think you're doing, Renly?" Stannis's voice was dark with anger, low and accusing.

"What--what am I doing?" Renly stammered, looking dumbly around the room as though Stannis were watching him somehow.

"Whatever you do in private, however distasteful, is your business," Stannis continued, his voice nearly vibrating. "But none of your friends or family wants to see you kissing men and behaving like a degenerate, so I suggest you take those pictures down before anyone else sees them. You've already upset Selyse--"

"Pictures?" Renly asked dumbly. Ignoring Stannis's continued diatribe, he ended the call and pulled Facebook up on his screen.

"Pictures?" Loras echoed from the bed. "We're not taking pictures. I suppose we  _ could _ take pictures." He raised an eyebrow mischievously. "Does Stannis want us to document this for him?"

But Renly's stomach had dropped and he felt suddenly very sick. "Someone tagged me," he managed to choke out. "Someone tagged me, and I'm kissing you, and they can all see--"

Loras was at his side in a second, grabbing the phone from Renly's hand, his fingers fumbling over the screen. After a few seconds, he handed it back to Renly. "There. You're untagged. It was Olyvar, he's an idiot, I'll kill him for you tomorrow." He took one Renly's free hand, twining their fingers together. When he spoke again, his voice was softer, pleading. "Renly, please. Come back to me, okay? It'll all be okay."

"I can't." Renly reached for his clothes, his head spinning. He had imagined this scenario a hundred times, lying beside Loras's sleeping form and worrying up at the ceiling, but now that it had happened, he couldn't remember what came next. Robert, probably, teasing; Cressen, disappointed; Selyse, shrieking about having to explain  _ this _ to Renly's niece; Melisandre, smirking in amusement at the humiliation of it all. "I have to go. I can't do this. I can't do this, Loras."

"Can't do what?" Loras's voice was hushed, almost hoarse. "This, tonight? Or everything, with me?" He pulled his jeans back on and sat on the side of the bed, and Renly could feel Loras's eyes boring into him.

"I don't know," Renly admitted. He felt dizzy, lost. There was a soft click as Loras turned on a bedside lamp, partially illuminating the room. Renly couldn't look at him. "I don't know what to do." His arms hung limply at his sides, his fingers loose around his phone.

"Was it a drunken mistake?" Loras prompted, and Renly heard the anger rising in his voice. "Did you do this on a dare? How are you going to spin this?"

Renly clenched his teeth. "I'm not going to spin it, I'm just going to--"

"Pretend it never happened?" Loras came to stand before Renly, his chin jutting up defiantly, his eyes blazing. "Hide me away? Let me be the safe little secret that sucks your cock in the dark and plays your token gay friend everywhere else?"

Oh, that was too much. "Some of us don't have the luxury of being out," Renly shot back. "Some of us have families we'd like to keep around."

"Yours doesn't sound like it's much worth keeping!" Loras exploded. "And you don't need them! You've never needed them! They make you miserable, they keep you from--from being you, from being _ Renly _ !"

"I can't believe this," Renly scoffed, running his hands through his hair in exasperation. "I can't believe you're being like this, I thought we'd  _ been over this _ , exhaustively--"

Loras snorted. "Oh, we've been over this, and it's been  _ exhausting _ ! I want you to meet my family, I want to take you out on dates--"

"Oh, so it's all about you then, isn't it?" Renly struggled to keep his voice down. "You want to parade me around, drag me out of the closet? Have you been waiting for this to happen, so you didn't have to wait for me to figure things out on my own? It doesn't work like that!" Dizzy, he stumbled to the bed and sat down heavily, leaning over to put his head between his hands as he waited for Loras's rebuttal.

But Loras was silent. After a moment, Renly felt the bed dip as Loras crawled into it, and then Loras's arms slid around him from behind, and Loras's breath was warm on his ear. 

"Ren." Soft, entreating. "This shouldn't have happened. This never should have happened. But it  _ did  _ happen, and you can move forward. I can help you move forward." 

"I don't know." Renly fought back angry tears. "I don't know what to do," he repeated.

Loras moved to sit down next to him. He reached out and took Renly's hand in his, and his fingers were soft and warm and gentle, their pressure stabilizing and sweet. "Kiss me," he whispered, his other hand coming up to tilt Renly's head, to force Renly to look at him. "Kiss me, and we'll figure it out."

Renly took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling. "How's that going to help anything?"

"In the long run? It's not going to fix everything," Loras admitted. "Right now?" He nudged Renly's face back down. "It'll feel good. It'll feel better than thinking." Before Renly could respond, Loras was pushing him back on the bed and straddling him, and then Loras's lips met Renly's in a bruising kiss, his tongue insistent and aggressive in Renly's mouth, all the weight of their anger and frustration behind it.

Renly kissed him back, kissed him hard; he braced himself on his hands, then grabbed Loras and flipped him over so he could pin him to the mattress. He ran his hands down Loras's sides, gripped his hips hard to keep him down. Loras's hands pulled at Renly's hair so hard it hurt, and Renly welcomed the pain, let it flood through him as Loras bit down on his bottom lip and tugged before surging up again to gasp into Renly's mouth. Renly deepened the kiss until it was a devouring thing, all-consuming, slick and rough and graceless. Loras dug his fingers into Renly's back, the fresh shock of sensation spurring Renly on.

Loras pulled away and gasped for breath, and Renly let him turn away, his attention captured by the gentle pale arch of Loras's neck. He bit down on it, harder than he meant to, then sucked hard at the skin he had just bitten. He worked his way along Loras's neck, his angry mouth marking and sucking and soothing, his head spinning at the smell of Loras's skin, at the taste of it.

"Gods, Renly," Loras gasped, and he wrapped his arms around Renly's shoulders, tugging him close. "Gods, Renly, I love you. I love you so much you can't leave you can't leave me, I love you, I _ love _ you--" He voice trailed off in a moan as Renly licked the sweat from the soft spot where his ear met his jawline. 

Love.

They had never used that word before, but that's what it was--the freedom that swelled in Renly's chest whenever Loras kissed him, the bloom of contentment in Renly's stomach when Loras held his hand. The giddy sense of peace when Loras smiled at him. All of that, all of that love, that was a greater thing to Renly than anything in the world. Renly was dizzy and drunk and lost, but Loras was solid and certain and bruised from Renly's kisses. Exhilaration washed over Renly, and he tugged Loras's jeans down, shrugged his own off, and settled heavily on top of Loras. The warmth of his skin against Loras's, from their chests to toes, sent electricity coursing through Renly, and the next kiss was less punishing but just as passionate.

Renly was too tired to set a rhythm, his hips jumping and thrusting against Loras's in a wild, stuttering desperation, and Loras was panting into his mouth, trying to form words that Renly caught and captured in his own mouth before they could take shape, words that Renly licked off Loras’s tongue as the pounding in his head and the exaltation of his body moving on Loras's wiped out every thought. Renly gave himself over his body, to Loras's, to the satisfaction of Loras digging his nails into Renly's shoulder blades and calling Renly's name as he arched into the finality of their bodies' desperation. Renly turned his attention back to Loras's neck, the electricity in his limbs building to a breaking point, the fall and release like the crash of a wave set free from the hold of the moon.

Breathing heavily, Renly rolled off Loras, only to tug him close again almost immediately; Loras curled into him, his breath hot and wet on Renly's skin as he came down. 

"I love you," Renly finally managed to say, when his heart slowed back to normal. "But I still don't know what to do."

Loras propped himself up so he could look Renly in the eyes, his gaze searching and soft. "Then trust me. Stay with me. I'm in this with you." He took Renly's hand, placed it over Renly's heart, and then slid own hand beneath it. Renly clutched that hand and closed his eyes. He couldn't undo what had been done. He couldn't hide any longer. But with Loras ... with Loras, he could be free. A thought occurred to him suddenly, and he laughed. When he opened his eyes, Loras was looking at him with trepidation. 

"Can you get me my phone?" Renly asked. "I need to update my relationship status." 

Loras's grin was enough to convince Renly he was making the right decision.

"And," Renly added, "I think we need to take a selfie. I need a new profile picture."

 

> _ But when you feel the world wrapping 'round your neck _ __  
>  _ Feel my hand 'round yours _ _  
>  _ _ And when you feel the world wrapping 'round your neck _ _  
>  _ __ Don't succumb

  
****

**Author's Note:**

> This one is for anyone who is still in the closet, whether fully or partially. Pride is for all of us, but Pride month is hard when you can't celebrate openly. One day we'll all be able to celebrate together.


End file.
